My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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