Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
