My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize