And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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