Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
