shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
