I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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