I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
