I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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