Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
40s are totally the cure
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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