come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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