I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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