he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
