is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
