We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I CAN MOONWALK!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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