i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
