What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I think my moral compass just broke
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