Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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