I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
