Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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