My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
