I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
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I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
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