You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
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when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
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Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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