Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
