It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
