k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
