When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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