She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
