I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
