woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
