I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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