If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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