I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
