Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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