I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
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so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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