I look better un-naked...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
