Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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