my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
