i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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