I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
so much tequila, so little girl.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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