My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
