Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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