I CAN MOONWALK!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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