maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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