Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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