I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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