I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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