Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
