R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i will never coherently bang her
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
