Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
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The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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