So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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