This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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