Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
