Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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