4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
